Month: May 2024

While long-term, exclusive relationships can meet our emotional needs, they come with their own costs. Sometimes it’s more practical to skip the romance and agree upon a strictly physical arrangement. Friends With Benefits, F-buddies and No-Strings-Attached, whatever the title, here’s how to keep it from falling apart.

Kicking off a new situation-ship can be a lot of fun, but sooner or later you will have to have an honest discussion about what you are both seeking from it. I opt for having that discussion SOONER. Lay out the ground rules; every dynamic will be different but they usually have a few things in common.

We Are Not Exclusive

There is nothing stopping you from seeing others and the same goes for me. In most cases, I don’t care or want to know about them and I probably won’t want to talk about my other hook ups. If you get serious about someone else, just let me know the deal is off. No hard feelings when the arrangement changes or ends!

When & Where

Depending on the circumstances, we might make some rules about when and where we get dirty. For example, we can hang out with a mutual friend together but we won’t be catching up with each other unless it’s to get freaky. Nothing even resembling a date. You can have those boundaries too! Maybe your place is off-limits because it means meeting your cat, and hey, that’s just way too personal for a no-strings-attached.

This Is Not A Movie

It’s a classic gag; two people become friends with benefits and before long, one of them catches feelings. These rules exist to stop that from happening so if you start getting butterflies, take a step back before you find yourself head over heels. This arrangement falls apart if you forget the basic premises; no strings attached!

Don’t Be Weird About It

For whatever reason, this will end and chances are we’ll still be in the same social circles. Don’t overthink things or make them messy. If you have things you want to talk about, we can talk! We are still friends, with or without the benefits. 

Good sex can be hard to come by, and you don’t have to date exclusively to make the most of a good roll in the sheets! Be honest with yourself and your F-buddy, and you might just be able to pull off a no-strings-attached deal.

There are a few unspoken agreements in the ladies’ bathroom, particularly at clubs; everyone looks stunning, no one should go to the bathroom alone and never, ever let someone text their ex. Most men underestimate the comradery we girls find as we touch up our makeup in the speckled mirror.

I went out on the town the day after a messy break-up. Long story short, myself and another lady learned we had been dating the same guy. He hooked up with yet another girl and she realised he was in not one, but two relationships. I didn’t know who else he had been two-timing, and I was just looking for a distraction. It was while I rinsed the taste of cheap whiskey out of my mouth that I heard someone crying. Of course, Girl Code means I have to check in on them. For the sake of this story, let’s call her Annie.

We had a few mutual friends, so she wasn’t a complete stranger. I invited her out to a booth in the club and we talked. Through hiccups, she told me how she risked her job dating a guy who then cheated. Even with her mascara running down her cheek, I was captivated. She was so sweet and pretty. I empathised with her and told her how angry I was at my ex too. I wish I had put the pieces together sooner but it took us quite a while before we realised we were talking about the same guy. Fuelled by emotion (and whatever that charming blue cocktail was), it wasn’t long before Annie’s mascara was smudged against my face too.

There are few things as passionate as mutual heartache and we spent the night proving we didn’t need him. I’ll never forget the way she leaned into me and whispered “You’re so much better than him” as I felt her quiver beneath my fingertips.

Joyce’s fondness for description and details leaves very little of these intimate moments to the imagination. His erotic letters to his wife Nora Barnacle were certainly never written for anyone else’s eyes. After their deaths, award-winning biographer Richard Ellmann published some of their correspondence. While the ethics of publishing personal letters is widely debated, there are few examples of such writings in history, which makes these invaluable.

Joyce’s Letters

Amidst words that could make anyone blush are sweet phrases of tenderness;

“I love your body, long for it, dream of it”

“A hundred thousand kisses, darling!”

However, it is hardly the romance that makes these letters so notable. Instead, the boldness of the language sets them apart. Not only is it explicit and graphic, but the language itself is intriguing. Dated around 1909, the colloquial terms that Joyce uses to refer to various aspects of intimacy are now outdated. The term “frig,” for example, now stands in for a somewhat censored expletive but once meant ‘to masturbate’ or finger. It wasn’t just foreplay that got a vocabulary update.

Joyce writes “I was the first man that blocked you,” and to a modern reader, it suggests a falling out on social media. What it meant though, was sex and that he was her first partner in bed. It is interesting to see how language regarding sex has shifted over time.

Not everything has changed with time, though. Joyce opens up about the effect of all this erotic correspondence had:

“I have done so much and so often that I am afraid to look to see how that thing I had is after all I have done to myself,” which is a sentiment many lustful men have felt.

The Replies

While Nora’s replies to these letters have never been published, it’s clear that her thirst for passion matched her husband’s. Joyce reflects “Tired of lying under a man one night you tore off your chemise violently and began to ride me up and down.”

While there are plenty of private messages I would rather not have resurface, there is a certain comforting relatability to these old letters. Throughout time, people have shared their most intimate thoughts through whatever medium was available to them. Their “wild filth and obscenity” is an integral part of human sexuality. Though I must admit, I much prefer the convenience of an instant message to the days, weeks or months between letters. 

Alongside printed material, X-rated video production echoed the social changes in the 20th and 21st centuries. Before the convenience of smartphones and on-demand streaming services, erotic recordings were subject to content and distribution regulations and depended on having access to the right playback equipment. For many teenagers in the ‘80s and ‘90s, this meant creeping downstairs to use the VHS after curfew.

Lights

When the lights went down, the restrictions on TV content slackened. This presented the opportunity to run ads such as the infamous ‘Gone Wild’ commercials that encouraged viewers to pay for the full video or purchase a subscription. Despite being aimed at an adult-only audience, there were still considerable regulations about what was allowed to be aired.

Camera

As technologies like handheld video recorders enabled filmmakers to record content more easily, videos of erotic material grew in popularity. VHS was available to the average consumer and the convenience of enjoying adult entertainment from home meant producers could portray more explicit scenes than a film aimed at a general audience. Despite this, regulations imposed censorship requirements and limited distribution channels. 

Action

The technological progress of the 1980s and ‘90s contributed to the booming popularity of erotic videos. VHS and camera technology were improving rapidly and the diversity of films available grew exponentially. Video rental stores, which are now a rarity in their own right, often dedicated a shelf to the XXX films. Exclusive adult-video-only rental stores opened as well to provide access to the huge variety of videos available. As the ‘90s rolled around, DVDs became the most popular platform for erotic material, offering better video quality and interactive menus to navigate through assorted media. Cable and satellite TV eventually relaxed their content restrictions and enabled pay-per-view adult films. The production and consumption of pornographic material became part of pop culture and erotic content brands became household names.

While still-image pornography remained popular, the rise of adult entertainment in the film industry was revolutionary. To go from taboo, printed images to on-demand TV meant a cultural acceptance of pornography in mainstream media. Even though DVDs are now considered outdated, X-rated content is frequently on the cutting edge of technological advances. This is true today, as artificial intelligence is being utilised in several fields including the production and distribution of adult entertainment.